Will YOU marry me? PLEASE!!!!!!!!
So Tuesday after work I got a long overdue task done. Purchasing a bridesmaids dress for my friends Ernie and Allisons' wedding. I was not looking forward to doing this so I put it off as long as humanly possible. So it really wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, you know with all the extra poundage I am carrying around from gaining weight, but it still made me long for my old body. The thing is I became so angry while in Davids Bridal I could have torched the place. I must have gave every girl in there trying on a wedding dress an -eat shit and die, bitch- look.
I wasnt expecting to fell that way either. I thought that I would be depressed when I left from squeezing the dress on my bigger-than-used-to-be-body but I was in no way prepared for the rage I left feeling.
As I have stated before I have been with my boyfriend for nearly eight years, eight long years. AND HE IS STILL JUST MY BOYFRIEND! I dont want to have children so I always made sure to date a guy that didnt want children either, because I am dead damn serious about not wanting children. So Brandon doesnt want children and has confused this whole thing for a sort of get out of marriage free pass. Because to put it in his exact words "The only reason people get married is because they want to have kids and scince we dont want to have kids we dont need to get married." Yeah forget the whole love thing marriage is only about getting knocked up. Whatever.
This didnt bother me for the first five years of our relationship. But ever scince it has grown more and more irratating and sad and depressing. Am I not good enough? I am just the big fat cow with the preverbial free milk?! Does he think something better might come along? So when I walked into Davids Bridal and right dead center infront of me was THE DRESS, my dream dress. Then I scan the store to see what else I see. You know what I saw? I saw a shitload of young women smiling and glowing and making hard decisions about tiaras and tafata and I almost cried right there.
I felt like the ugly duckling in a sea of swans. Why where they better than me? What did they do that made someone want to cherish and protect them and honor them forever?
I tried that bridesmaids dress on and got out of there as quick as I could. I was so mad, angry to the very core. I never want to have to go back in that store again. NEVER. (Unless I am buying THE DRESS)I cried on the way home just thinking of how I was going to have to be in that wedding and how I would probably cry and how they, more than likely, wont be tears of happiness for the Bride and Groom (Even though I couldnt be happier for them and they know that) but how they will probably tears of sadness and envy.
Over the past few years I havent hid the fact from Brandon that I wanted to get married. I cant help it. I have a huge grudge about the whole thing. Then Brandon gives me a list of things I have to change or improve before he will marry me and well....fuck that. He wont marry me if I dont change or improve on a few things, but he will continue to live together with me and have sex with me and do EVERYTHING we would do if we were married. Can we say cop-out?!
I wont even get started on how he thinks marriage is all propaganda made up by the diamond company DeBeers back in the day to make it seem like people had to have diamonds, creating a demand for them. Oh yeah hes even printed out stories about it and brought them home for my reading pleasure. I save them for when we run out of toilet paper.
I have become bitter. I feel inadequate. I feel ugly. I feel unwanted. How do I make that stop? I love Brandon with everything I have in me. I am not perfect. He is not perfect and I would marry him. Should it be so important to me that he hasnt asked me to marry him? Does anyone know?
I wasnt expecting to fell that way either. I thought that I would be depressed when I left from squeezing the dress on my bigger-than-used-to-be-body but I was in no way prepared for the rage I left feeling.
As I have stated before I have been with my boyfriend for nearly eight years, eight long years. AND HE IS STILL JUST MY BOYFRIEND! I dont want to have children so I always made sure to date a guy that didnt want children either, because I am dead damn serious about not wanting children. So Brandon doesnt want children and has confused this whole thing for a sort of get out of marriage free pass. Because to put it in his exact words "The only reason people get married is because they want to have kids and scince we dont want to have kids we dont need to get married." Yeah forget the whole love thing marriage is only about getting knocked up. Whatever.
This didnt bother me for the first five years of our relationship. But ever scince it has grown more and more irratating and sad and depressing. Am I not good enough? I am just the big fat cow with the preverbial free milk?! Does he think something better might come along? So when I walked into Davids Bridal and right dead center infront of me was THE DRESS, my dream dress. Then I scan the store to see what else I see. You know what I saw? I saw a shitload of young women smiling and glowing and making hard decisions about tiaras and tafata and I almost cried right there.
I felt like the ugly duckling in a sea of swans. Why where they better than me? What did they do that made someone want to cherish and protect them and honor them forever?
I tried that bridesmaids dress on and got out of there as quick as I could. I was so mad, angry to the very core. I never want to have to go back in that store again. NEVER. (Unless I am buying THE DRESS)I cried on the way home just thinking of how I was going to have to be in that wedding and how I would probably cry and how they, more than likely, wont be tears of happiness for the Bride and Groom (Even though I couldnt be happier for them and they know that) but how they will probably tears of sadness and envy.
Over the past few years I havent hid the fact from Brandon that I wanted to get married. I cant help it. I have a huge grudge about the whole thing. Then Brandon gives me a list of things I have to change or improve before he will marry me and well....fuck that. He wont marry me if I dont change or improve on a few things, but he will continue to live together with me and have sex with me and do EVERYTHING we would do if we were married. Can we say cop-out?!
I wont even get started on how he thinks marriage is all propaganda made up by the diamond company DeBeers back in the day to make it seem like people had to have diamonds, creating a demand for them. Oh yeah hes even printed out stories about it and brought them home for my reading pleasure. I save them for when we run out of toilet paper.
I have become bitter. I feel inadequate. I feel ugly. I feel unwanted. How do I make that stop? I love Brandon with everything I have in me. I am not perfect. He is not perfect and I would marry him. Should it be so important to me that he hasnt asked me to marry him? Does anyone know?
Hi, I feel your pain. I would suggest reading "He's Just Not That Into You", it helped me to leave a relationship that wasn't going anywhere and the principles I learned from that book helped me to realize what a wonderful man I have now. The book, "Why Men Love Bitches" helped too. When you act aloof, they come running! Come visit my blog sometime.
Posted by
Theresa |
2:44 PM
Men are lying, traitorous, back stabbing jerks. We have a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one of them at a time.
That being the case, it sounds like your giving him everything he could want... without any of the "legal" stuff that would let you get half his stuff if he were to move out. (yes, we are that shallow).
If you don't stop... um... putting yourself on a silver platter and serving yourself up for free... he might find enough motivation to get off his lazy ass and marry you.
Posted by
Anonymous |
3:09 PM
Ya know what? If this is important to you, it therefore becomes important to him. Or at least it should.
If you're absolutely sure that marriage is what you want and NEED, then he has some deciding to do. And based on what he decides, you may have some deciding to do.
I'd just be very clear with him about what you feel and what you NEED in the relationship. Good luck to ya... cuz it can be tough to get these messages into a man's teeny little brain! :)
Posted by
Kelly |
7:15 PM
lol me lazy
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:01 AM
I have been married for 12 years (together for 17), we have three kids and I do love it.
SORRY!
We are a great team and work hard at it! No, it's not always easy and yes, I'm glad we are working at it together.
I pray you both find what your looking for and I enjoy reading your blog.
Posted by
Shannon |
8:21 PM
HONEY, I KNOW YOUR PAIN. ME AND MY GUY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS AND HAVE A HANDSOME BABY BOY. WE LIVE TOGETHER AND HE RAISES MY DAUGHTER!! (FROM A HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND)AND I'V BEEN WANTING TO GET MARRIED AS WELL. HE THINKS LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH THE WHOLE RING THING (EVEN THOUGH HE BUYS ME NICE JEWLERY OFTEN) SO WE NEED TO FIGURE THIS ONE OUT IF WE WANT TO SEE THE ALTER SOON, BECAUSE I'M GEETING PRETTY TIRED OF HIM PUTTING ME OFF. IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE ,AND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 5-8 YEARS, THEN WHATS THE HOLD UP?? HOPE NOT ANOTHER WOMEN!!!
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:24 PM