Thursday, February 24, 2005

Today was the worst day of my life...

I can not hold it in any longer. Im spillin' the beans. Keep in mind I have had a few beers and I NEVER drink beer. Today I have been betrayed, my family as well, by my sister. My own sister. I am dumb founded, still in shock!
You see this has been an on going battle between my mom and my sister for a month. My sister being the mother of my moms grandson, it turn my nephew. Litle back story: My mom has kept her grandson for five years (he is five years old). My mom has been great for him as he has for her. By far beating the alternative, being daycare. He has been in a loving family enviroment and has been well read and played with and most of all loved. As I mentioned before he is a genious. My sister has continously treated my mom, well like crap. Getting mad at her because my mom and dad wanted to go on vacations and this did not coincide with my sisters schedule. I could go on and on but back to the story...

Well one awful day my sister drops my nephew off at my moms house and my mom and sister begin an argument. The argument lead to my sister takeing her son away from my mom. That was a month ago. MY nephew meant the world to my mom, they had an awesom relationship. My mom has been through so much this past month that she has been pushed over the edge.

Well if you read my last post you know that my nephew and I had a blast this past Satuday wHen he spent the night with me. And her comes the betrayl.

last night my sister had a car accident and my nephew was in the car. Apparently her husbad tried to call my mom and myself but we were asleep. This happened around 11 o'clock pm. So this morning when I got out of the shower my phone was ringing. My phone never ring that early in the morning. I answered. My mother procedes to tell me that my sister and my nephew were in a car accident last night. I freaked. She then told me how the had to cut my nephew out of the car. I called work and got ready as fast as I could and left to go get my mom ( she does not drive). I picked her up and straight to the hospital we went.

When we arrived we found their room. My sister was asleep and my nephew laid in the hospital bed with an neck brace on. I lost it. My sisters mother-in-law told us the brace was precautionary and that he had two hairline fracturs in his pelvis and a lesion on his spleen and a laceration to somethign I dont recall at the moment. But he was going to be okay. My sister proceeded to wake up and kick my mom and I out of the hosital room.

My heart is crushed, my mind is numb, I feel dead inside. There are datails I have left out and I hope my sister never reads this. They are just deatails that are pointless. But I have to forgive her.

If you have read my past posts you know that my nephew means the world to me. I would die for him to live. I never want kids of my own and maybe I shoudnt have gotten so attached. But he is a glorious gift from God. I pray for him and my family each and every night. I pray that this has to have a resolution for the sake of my nephew and my family.

I should note that my mom is in no way perfect neither my sister or I for that mater. But we are good people going through extremly trying times and I only want whats best for my family and my mephew.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Play Just a Little...

My nephew Tre spent the night with me Saturday night. I picked him up at 1 o'clock in the afternoon. I had already thought of a line up of things for us to do, but I have a budget, so I decided to give him the choice. So we are in the car headed back towards the city and I ask him..."Tre, would you like to go to the McWane Center and the movies later or do you want to goto Chuck-E-Cheese and Toys-R-Us and the movies later?" Tre asked " Whats the McWane Center?" To wich I replied " Its like a museum wiht lots of cool stuff to do." I explained about the Imax movie and the interactive stuff for kids his age. Well he picked and off to Chuck-E-Cheese and Toys-R-Us and the movies we went.

I have to day I did not mind his choice. We had so much fun. We ate pizza and played games and Tre won a bubble gum machine with all the tickets we had one. Then on to the toy store. I gave Tre a twenty dollar bill in the car before we went in, mainly as a way to budget myself, and told him he could only get what that could buy. He was definatly okay with that. Then when we got in the store we looked at a couple isles and came across an Imaginext set. Its buildable toys that can be taken apart and rebuilt differently and so on. This one was a pirate ship and it was cool. Busted my budget and out we went with the pirate ship. We went home and ate dinner and built the pirate ship together and played with it. I really have too much fun being on that level. Then we found a movie to go see, Because of Winn-Dixie, it was a cute movie. I have to say my little nephew is the best movie date ever. We laugh and eat popcorn and I know I have the cutest little man there. I cherish these times with him because I know one day all too soon he will be grown and a real girl will be getting all his attention. Needless to say when we got home we were beat, but we managed to stay awake long enough to play another couple hours.

So I am not getting the Wal-Mart job. Turns out you have to work at least 23 hours a week to be part time and employed by them. No way. I only put I was available for aprox. 16 hours a week and will not go above that. This is a second job for a little extra money--Ill pass. I cant say Im upset at all. So I wont.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Next Door

There were some people at the house next door. They put caution tape around the stairway to the back porch, probabaly because that whole thing looked like it was ready to go at any given moment, and they taped two signs on the front of the house; one on a window and one on the front door. The signs both read: WARNING Do not enter. This house has been winterized. Antifreeze has been added to the toilets and sinks. The water has been shut off. Somethin' somethin' Reality. So who knows whats thats about. Im interested to see what happens, my moneys on the fact that someone, whoever apparently forclosed on the house, bulldozes it. We shall see.

As for the dog, animal control came to get him. You see our back yard just isnt suitable for a dog or we would of already gotten one along time ago. Not that we have a bad backyard, we just have an inground pool and most of the yard is concrete.

Going to clean the house now, joy joy!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

The Parental Units

My Mom was not a perfect parent and neither was my Dad. This is okay, no one is. But they did pretty good. My Dad always worked, he works at USSteel and always has (except during lay-offs in the distant past), he rotates shifts swinging from 7-11 and 11-7 and 3-11 and so on. This made it difficult to have or even start too much of a relationship with his kids, that and my sister and I were girls. But I truly believe he was a good dad and a good and kind man and still is. And when he could be there he was. My mom stayed home and raised my sister and I, we had fun. My mom put her all into raising us when we were young but as we grew older my mom fell weak to things that have pulled at her her entire life. You see when my mom was a child she was molested by her Dad. That being as horrible as it must have been she supressed it for years, never delt with it all, drowned it and forgot it. She was young then but the longer it was held in the more it festered I believe.

When I was about 12 and my sister 10 ( I was old enough to supervise an evening at home without the parents) My mom and dad began to go out and have a few drinks in the evening every so often. Not a horrible thing. But with my moms festering emotional status this led to more drinking and depression. As the years passed I think my sister and I grew frusterated and angry with my mom for not dealing with her pains and letting them control her, basically takeing her attention from us to this sad state of what used to be our mother. She tried to get help a few times but it led to upsetting her more and things just seemed to be sitting at the end of a dead end street. I turned a bit rebelious and got a wildhair and got married when I was 16--basically pulling my mother on an even more daunting emotional rollercoaster as I played house with a punk ass kid who beat the hell out of me and cheated on me. I remember calling my mom on more than one occasion sobbing asking her to come get me and then leaving again the next day only to rip her heart out. If I have ever regretted anything in my life it is that, for it haunts me to this day filling me to the very soul with feelings of disgust by my own actions. And I fear the memories of this will haunt me long after she is gone. I finally came to my senses about five years ago and really grew up emotionally. I DO NOT blame my parents for anything I have done or will ever do. I am my own person who controls my own thoughts and decisions and take sole responsibility for the things I reap from them good or bad.

It is also important to me to bond more with my dad and really get to know him, I want to show him I care and love him for who he is as a person and not just because he is my dad and the reason for my exsistance. My Mom and my Dad and have NEVER left my side and never will, there isnt a thing in this world that could make me doubt that. Sure there are plenty of parents who didnt drink maybe a little (or alot) too much, but were they there? Really there? I will never be able to get my mother to believe she did a good job and how truly thankful I will be until the day I too am tucked away in a pine box for what she has done for me. Her love and comfort is a priceless comodity in my world and is a gift she has given me that has no comparison.

It is sad that with age comes the realization that one day your parents wont be around, a day I dont want to see for many many years to come. But I want my parents to know that I love them with all of my heart, I love them for trying to be good parents and worring so much about what they did wrong now, I love them for staying together all these years and showing me it can be done, in this day and age of quicki divorces they have stood strong in their love and family, I love them for loving me and caring about my life and my future, I love them for not giving up on me when I was a stubborn ass rebelious little piss of a person, I love them for backing off and letting me screw up on my own so that I could learn from it, I love them for teaching me about God and Jesus and the beauty of what being a good person can bring you, I love them for them both being so tender hearted, I love them for being them, my Mom and Dad.

I thank God above for my family and the comfort it has brought me and I now even in our times of trouble he is there looking out for us. I love you Mom and Dad and always will.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Do you know what aisle the guava juice is on??

I applied for a second job yesterday. A part time job. Just a few nights a week after my real job and Id still have my off days. Its a nothing special job, WalMart. Please dont laugh. But I already have a good job with 2 weeks paid vacation, great health and dental, 401K and the pay aint bad. It just only pays the bills pretty much. There is alot more to life than just bills as far as money being spent. Although, I guess in someway everything can be looked at as a bill. Anyhow, so its not like I need another stressful job. Im looking for easy money here people. So we will see, I sure will feel bad if I dont get the job though. I wonder if I get the job if I'll get a discount on everything in WalMart??? That would be awesome even if its like 15%, do you know how much of my money I already spend there. That really is the only place I shop unless I need clothes and I have been known to buy the ocasional WalMart shirt, they were cute. SO anyways I am hopeing this might be a fix to my motivation deprevation.

In other news I found homes for the two newest kittens. This made me happy and sad. They still have two weeks before I can take them away from Milly, their mother.

I kinda feel blah this week thus far. The family drama is still a blazin', thankfully without me in ANY of it!!! (Thank you Lord) It has got me all upset though, I dont think anyone could really tell it though I just feel blah inside and Im sure thats why. My nephew is coming to stay with me this Saturday night and we are going o have a BLAST though!!! I am excited about this!

Brandon and I shared our sixth Valentines together. We went out to eat with our friends Ernie and Alison in Georgia!! We went to one of those Japanese Hibatchi cook-in-front-of-you type places on Sunday evening. It was good..mmm..mmm..good. I had sushi for the first time. It wasnt bad, Id like to try more. We had laughs and drinks and a good time was had by all. We followed that up with a little pool and alot more drinks, for the girls that is. It was fun some may say a little too much
fun! LOL. Thanks again for having us guys!!!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

The Five G's

Good--Behave well, dont retaliate, even if it is attractive to do so.

Gracious--Give the other person the bennifit of the doubt; allow for different oppinions; dont always need to be the one whos right.

Grateful--Be thankful for the things you have not greedy for those you dont. There are many intangibles to be greatful for on a daily basis.

Gentle-- Be gentle to others, especially animals and those at both ends of the age spectrum. Dont judge others: you dont live their lives nor do you know what issues and pains they go through on a daily basis. People wont always be gentle to you, but its important to strive for gentility in our lives.

Generous--Give to others freely. Giving to others gives us energy for ourselves, provides us with an undeniable richness in our hearts. The Bible says it is better to give than receive and it is true. While its fun to receive gifts andhelp from others, it is so much a deeper feeling of joy to be able to give to others, especially thos who are truly in need.

I stole this from another blog but I dont remember which, I started not to post it but decide that it is deffinatly a message worth passing along. If I ever find out where I got it I will credit it to them. If you read this and it was your blog please leave a comment so I know. Have a superific day!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more." --Mark Twain

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to ones courage." --Anais Nin

" The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep." --Robert Frost

"As I was going up the stair I met a man who wasnt there. He wasnt there again today, I wish, I wish hed stay away." --Hughes Mearns

"All the worlds a stage, and all the men and woman merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his lifetime plays many parts, his acts being seven ages."-- William Shakespeare

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Tangy Meatloaf

I may have mentioned this before, but anyhoo. I started cooking from scratch a few weeks ago. I get my recipes from they have tons. I pick the ones I want to try for that week and then buy all the needed ingrediants. I am happy about the increasing amount of ingrediants in my kitchen soon I will be able to just go in there and start whippin' shit up or something. This was one of the recipes I had found and cooked. Brandon and I loved it, so much infact that he has counted the days until the next Tangy Meatloaf graces our dinner table. Well todays the day my friends and I have decided I am going to pass this on to whoever might like to give it the ol' go.
It is not bland like your usual ketchup covered loaf but it is different, we liked. It is extremely easy and the ingrediants are few and cheap. So here goes:

Ingrediants: 1 lb. ground beef 1 dash worcestershire sauce
1/2 c. dry bread crumbs 1/3 c. ketchup
1 egg 1/4c. packed, brown sugar
garlic powder to taste 1/4c. pineapple preserves

*note: I couldnt find pineaplle preserves- so I used apricot-pineapple--same thing.

Directions: Preheat oven to 350F. (175C)

In a large bowl, combine the beef, bread crumbs, egg, garlic powder and worcestershire sauce. Mix well, and place into a 9by5 inch loaf pan.

Bake in preheated oven for 30-50 minutes. ( I baked it 40 minutes)

Meanwhile, in a seperate bowl mix the ketchup, brown sugar and preserves. Pour over the meatloaf 20 minutes BEFORE removing the from the oven. * I almost messed up here you bake the meatloaf 20 minutes and then add the sauce and bake another 20 minutes.

Done. Enjoy. Leave a comment and let me know if you liked or disliked it, if you try it that is, if there is anyone out there reading this interested in me rambling on about tangy good tasting meatloaf. I tried.

Im on top of that.....

I find that I lack in the motivation department. I think that lazy is a harsh word for I do quite alot, alot of things that are required to do just to live. Well, live with some level of comfort. I work five days a week, rising at 5:30am to be at work by 7:30am, amazingly though no matter how hard i try Im always 6 minutes late (or more). I work all day, and I do work. Yes there are those days every so often when I dont feel like it but this is where the actual working comes in handy because Im never behind, therefore a day every now and then of well not-so-much working is okay. But I digress, I leave work at 4:30pm and go straight home. Arrive right at 5. (that rhymed, ;-) Then it is onto feeding the cats, straightening the house, laundry--which I have come to loathe and cooking dinner. Sometime nearing the end of all that fun Brandon arrives home and we eat. Now its apoximatly 8 or 8:30pm, tv time or computer time or a possible bath followed by the possible follow-up of yet more laundry. Then its bed time around 10:30 or 11. Rinse and repeat.

Some part of me says that this is okay. But there is a bigger part that very much dissagrees. Thus we have the debate, the internal debate per se. What am I going to do with my life?
Now the part of me that thinks that my current everyday routine is enough so why bother adding more to the mix, has points. But are they points or are they just excusses? The part of me that can see that I should be more motivated to actualy have a life versus living just to get by, not only finacially but emotionaly and physically as well, I have found actually has points. Lets examine shall wee? Finacially I am living just to get by because I dont think about my future, I think about the paycheck I am getting next week being able to pay the few bills I have at this age. But in reality is this how I am going to want to live finacially ---just getting by--occasionally affording a few 'extras' for myself and going into debt at Christmas and other gift-giving holidays to show people I love them.
An example of me living just to get by emotionaly would be my friendships. I only have four real friends and that number probably wouldnt be so high if they werent two couples. This though is my fault, I am great with people I like all kinds I try my best not to judge people because you never know what theyve been through, I am giving--hell people like me, I would say. But there is this point where I back off I become not so good of a friend. I have to admit most of this due to my phone skills or lack of. I dislike talking on the phone, I always have. I dont know what it is. This is hard when your friends because it makes me look like I just dont care. I do. My point is I just get by emotionaly by knowing I have those friends and we do have a good friendship yet I do nothing more to make it better or be involved. If that makes any sense at all. And finally, physically because I am starting to get heavier, noticably heavier and this bothers me. I have always been small, I am short--small works just fine with short. As I have watched my body expand I have exerted much brain power on obcessing about it but I havent used enough energy to sweat- let alone burn the pounds away. I am so lacking motivation.

I dont know what else to do though. I cant even think of a hobby I would like to take up and I have really tried. Im serious people. How do you motivate a person with no interest in anything? Theres a question to ponder.

I just re-read the above paragraphs to check for big mistakes and I noticed something. No wonder I have a hard time making a damn decision I start of right by weighing the points of each side but with each new point to a side comes another question. Question followed by question until the points are forgotten and the questions become overwhelming and I just give up. Hmm... could I be onto something here? I have never kept a journal of any sort so all of those questions in my head just got jumbled. Is it now because I just read it that it is clear. Or did I fall in the bathroom and bump my head causing a slight concusion alowing me to believe I am a PHD of some sort now.

I still feel unmotivated though. But I have to go cook a meatloaf.

Monday, February 07, 2005

The Burbs

Strange things have happened at my neighbors house for the later part of last week until today. Now let me say that I am in no way a nosey neighbor, that is, until something strange happens. It is then that I am forced to see what is going on.

Now let me start off by telling you that my boyfriend and I have resided in our home now for the better part of three years. On one side of us we have a young couple like us in a nice brick home. On the other side of us resides a family of four, their house is as old as ours except it looks as though it has never been all. Over the time we have lived here I have increasingly felt sorry for this family. It was two years ago that their front windows were mysteriously busted, and for the two year period after that they never replaced the windows. For a time they strategically placed a board infront of them but that didnt last long. I have seen animals jump through those open windows. I imagine many things have come and gone through those windows. Their back yard is so overgrown that even their dog stayed on the back porch and barked continuosly. The children, a boy and a girl, I would say the boys probably 15 or so and the girl 13 or so. They dressed in all black every morning and stood away from all the other kids at the bus stop always facing the ground. I know this because our front yard just happens to be the neighborhood bus stop. Instead of using their driveway they pull their cars through their front lawn right up to the front door and hop out and into the house. Their lawn looks like a mud pit for a monster truck rally. Other than all the above mentioned things I have seen I have never spoke to them or they to me. This is all I know....until last Wednesday.....

So on last Wednesday I left work at my usual 4:30 in the afternoon. When I arrived home there was a fire truck parked in my driveway and it looked as if our house was on fire. Thick black smoke seemed to be bellowing from the roof over our living room. My heart fell clean to my feet as the thoughts of this went racing through my head. I got out of the car and walked around the front of my house only to find 4 firemen standing between ours and the above mentioned neighbors house, looking up at their chimney. It was then that my panic was put to rest because clearly the smoke was comeing from the neighbors chimney and not our house. Shewwwww! This smoke was not the smoke of a regular burning fire in a fireplace, it was thick and black and smelled of burning plastic or tires. The firemen spoke to me for a second commenting on how the people across the street ( a retired couple) had called them and told them my house was on fire and what they had found upon their arrival. Then I went inside and the firemen proceeded to knock on the neighbors door and then entered. They stayed in there5minutes at most and then left. The rest of the evening and all night long that stinky black smoke billowed from their chimney. Strange.

Then Thursday arrives, I left work and when I arrived home my neighbors were gutting their house and piling it in a huge pile, HUGE, in their front yard. I mean this pile had everything in it matresses, walls, furniture, lamps, dishes, clothes etc. The nieghbors seemed to be doing this in a frantic pace as well and it all just seemed rather strange. Maybe they were finally tired of living like that and they were going to remodel, I thought.

So Friday rolls around and Im headed home after another days work. Well when I got there I witnessed even more odd goings-on. My neighbors, God love 'em, had one car pulled in their front lawn facing the front door with its bright lights on and one car infront of their garage doors, again, facing them with its bright lights on, infront of both cars was a large barrell and they were coming out of the front and garage doors throwing things in these barrells and burning them. Odd. Then later that night Brandon and I heard a loud roaring noise coming from their house so we walk out on our back porch and they have no power--its a generator. Now I am just dying to know whats going on over there I mean its killing me!!!

Well Saturday I hd to work until 4 and then it was back home. When I arrived home they were gone. Gone. Vanished. The front door of their house...wide open... the back door...wide open...the house completely empty. You would never know it had been resided in or beleived it if it wasnt for the huge pile of discarded possecions in the front yard. No for sale sign in the yard. No nothing.Hmmm???

Sunday morning I wake up earlier than usual so I decide I am going to go ahead and cook breakfast and then wake Brandon. As I am cooking I hear what sounds like a dog moaning outside. I try to ignore this for a moment but as my soft spot for animals is,well as big as the pile of shit in my neighbors yard, I went outside on the back porch to see what the fuss was. My neighbors dog. So I went out my front door and over to their back yard and sure enough there he was. They left their dog. LEFT HIM!!! Now I knew the people next door werent well off but apparently all they had ever fed this dog before was what few scraps they threw out the back door every so ofter because I could count every bone this dog had in its body! All of themvisible right down to the poor dogs leg bones. He was starving and locked in the back yard of what looked to be an abandoned home.

So in my pajamas, hair not even brushed yet, I went to the groery store and bought a big bag of Alpo and 4 cans of wet dog food--the good kind. I am posotive this was a treat for him. The dog now resides in our back yard as to it was Sunday and I couldnt figure out what to do with him. I am afraid if I call animal control to pick him up they will surley kill him, no one will want this dog untill he looks healthy again.

I can not beleive someone would do that to an animal. I cant beleive someone would just up and abandon their home either. I tell you it is the strangest thing I have ever witnessed. I cant figure it out and Im sure I never will. Just as sure as I am that that house is going to sit next to us empty for quite sometime due to the condition its in. This just goes to show you that people can be going through any and all kinds of situations in their lives that are difficult. I wonder where the family is and if they are okay, especially the children. I wonder if maybe I should have been a better neighbor, gone over there, introduced myself. Maybe I could of helped them out---I highly doubt it but I could have tried.

hit counter